Divorce rates have been increasing since the end of World War II — as divorce laws have eased. The rate increased by three times in Britain between 1965 and 1975 and by two and a half times in the US over the same period. The troubles that wreck marriages, it has been found, usually start early. One study found that the problems became apparent in the first year in well over a third of marriages even though the couples struggled to save the marriage.
In the US there is an impression that divorce is a lower-class ‘disease’ that has been caught by the middle classes, but in Britain it is thought to be a middle-class ‘disease’ that is spreading down. Today divorce is seen equally across all the socio-economic classes.
In the US in 1970 the average length of marriage at divorce was six and a half years, but in Britain the average time has remained stable since 1965 at about thirteen years. The countries with the highest divorce rates are the USSR (where an enormous number of marriages end in the first year) the US, Hungary, Egypt and Denmark. England now leads Europe in the divorce league tables.
Those who divorce very early and very young (because they have made a ‘mistake’ or fallen for someone else) usually fare well and by their late twenties cannot remember much about their previous partner. These really cannot be called marriages in the true sense of the word. Strange as it may seem, marriages that have gone on for forty or fifty years can sometimes also be painlessly dissolved because the couple have spent such a long time drawing apart and
‘de-loving’ each other.
Between these two extremes lie the vast majority of divorces — those between people who have lived and loved for some years and have children, usually still at home. In Britain, 75 per cent of divorces involve families with children under eighteen, and in the USA during the years 1972-5 a quarter of a million children were living in families affected by divorce. This figure is much higher now. It is impossible accurately to assess the harm done to the millions of children around the Western world affected by divorce but several surveys show that it is often very severe, as we shall see.
A few people experience an enduring feeling of elation at being rid of their troublesome and unsatisfactory relationship but these are rare. For the vast majority divorce is extremely painful and many describe it as a sort of living death.
Many studies have shown that people do not realise how awful divorce really is. Perhaps the most universally experienced feeling is one of overwhelming loneliness. There are class differences here. The lower social classes, with their independent substructure of friends and more relatives living close by, usually suffer less because these continue after the divorce. The middle-class couple works and plays as a couple more and their friendships outside tend to collapse after a divorce.
Long marriages are usually the most painful to break and many such couples feel exactly the same as if they had been bereaved. Suicide and suicide attempts are not at all uncommon. One US study found that suicide rates among divorced people were three times higher in women and four times higher in men than in their married peers. If the separated are added to the divorced as they should be, at certain times the suicide rate for the divorced can be ten times those of the marrieds. Young and middle-aged married men have the lowest rate of suicide in society but divorced men have the highest.
The divorced and separated are also a very illness-prone group. Of course there are the psychological and emotional problems including a sense of rejection, despair, loneliness and feelings of failure, protest, anger, guilt, anxiety and depression, and all of these can be bad enough to need treatment. One study found that marital problems were the factor most commonly associated with psychiatric illness and that women were more often affected than men. Many wives seek help for such problems within their marriage because they want professional reassurance that their husbands’ claims that they are ‘going mad’ are wrong. All kinds of physical symptoms, including headaches, abdominal pains, painful periods, bouts of diarrhoea, palpitation, and very many others, can also be seen in those who are in the early phases of divorcing or separating.
One of the earliest casualties of all this disruption is sex. The pain of divorce extinguishes or impairs the sex drive, often for months.
Some individuals seem to give up interest in the opposite sex, perhaps thinking ‘once bitten — twice shy’. Others live in passive hope that a new and perfect partner will come along, but others become frantically involved in the search for a partner. Rebound relationships may be formed which are worse than the original marriage. Perhaps all divorcing individuals should be offered counselling to help them avoid repeating earlier mistakes or committing new ones.
But marriage, as we have seen, is also a social act and it is the loss of this component that is extremely hard to bear. There is a lessening social stigma attached to divorce but, whatever society thinks, it will never be possible to extinguish all the sense of failure and shame. Much of the social stigma comes from the long-held view that divorce lets women down and somehow threatens marriage as an institution. To some extent these are valid points but they have been over-stressed and in today’s world are no longer nearly as true as they were. The Church of England has the option to refuse, and the Roman Catholic Church actually refuses, to remarry divorcees in church – and this too further condemns and shames those involved. Clinical experience suggests that of the 50 per cent of marriages that are solemnised outside a church, many would like to have had a religious ceremony but could not because of the Church’s ruling.
On a day-to-day basis things are not easy either. Married friends tend to fall away and on occasions even the divorced person’s parents drop them. Just when people most need advice, help, support and company they often find these most difficult to come by. Add to this the conflicting feelings of love, hate, loneliness, missing the partner, efforts at reconciliation and so on and one can see how destructive and disruptive divorce is to the personalities involved.
Children can greatly add to the emotional problems. They provide endless excuses for the partner who did not want the break to phone with questions and problems about the children. This often keeps the wounds open longer than would otherwise be the case. The parents communicate through the children and learn about each other in this clandestine way.
All of this is so awful an experience for many couples that they pull back from the
brink – about a quarter of all divorces filed are withdrawn. Of those who do go through with it one in ten say they would remarry their ex-spouse. Fewer than half of such remarriages are happy, according to one survey.
There are also the many practical problems of housing, money, moving, and child care. Divorce affects the pocket just as much as the heart and everyone involved is financially worse off. The basic problem is clear. Two households have to live on the money that previously supported one. The man will usually pay maintenance to his ex-wife. The amount will depend on the particular circumstances of the two parties and whether or not there are children involved. Because of the recent change in the law and the pressure to reduce the amount of time a man should be expected to support his ex-wife, it is advisable to consult a lawyer who can take individual circumstances into account before giving advice.
In our apparently child-centred society, many people worry about the effects of divorce on the children involved. It is quite difficult to find these out precisely because there are no really
long-term studies. About 80 per cent of delinquents come from broken homes and a follow-up study comparing children from divorced families with those from non-divorced families found that four times as many boys and three times as many girls from the divorced-family group had to go to reform schools; 20 per cent of the men were convicted of a felony by the age of fifty (compared with 9.9 per cent of the rest of the population); and that alcoholism was three times higher among women from divorced parents. In the USA, researchers feel that the poverty caused by divorce is as much to blame for the delinquency rates as the divorce itself. What seems to be more important for the delinquency figures is the after-care by parents. One study found that delinquency rates were related to a lack of visiting by the father and showed the importance of good relationships with the stepfather.
The conclusions of all the research are not clear-cut. Is an unhappy home with fighting parents worse for children than one in which the parents get divorced? A ‘bad’ after-divorce is most upsetting; a ‘good’ after-divorce perhaps has no serious long-term effects; and the effects of a conflict-filled home are no doubt worse than a good divorce. Unfortunately, it is often very difficult to organise a good divorce, even with the best will in the world.
Things are very difficult for mothers who run a family single-handed and one study found that in one third of such families total chaos was the norm. Anything from 50—60 per cent of children from one-parent families are, or have been, in the care of local authorities-a terrifying figure. Children of the recently divorced tend to have more tantrums and school problems, cry a lot, wet their beds, go back to early childhood behaviour, run away and so on. Children hate divorce and most say that their homes were happy before the divorce. They yearn for the departed parent and probably never get over the loss. Children of divorced parents are far more likely to get divorced themselves than are normal children.
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Автор: admin - Март 27th, 2009 | Категория: Предпосылки к возникновению заболевания. | Нет комментариев -