LOVE AND SEX: COPULATION

What is copulation? The word is the scientific term used to describe the act of putting the penis in the vagina. As any penis will go into any vagina there is nothing very special about being able to copulate. Any man who can have an erection and any woman who can open her legs can copulate. Most people learn to copulate in their teens or early twenties, then some progress to intercourse and making love, as we shall see. Unfortunately, many couples stop at the copulation stage, where they remain for the whole of their married life.

The amount of sex anyone has depends on the balance struck at any one time between the anti-sex attitudes of society and their upbringing, on the one hand, and the pro-sex drives of Nature on the other. Take the brakes off the anti-sex mechanism (by falling in love, getting drunk, going on holiday, or whatever) and the real sex-interested self emerges to enjoy itself as it could have all along. So cultural conditioning in a sex-negative culture such as ours is a

starting-point in determining how often people have sex.

Although cultural conditioning is by far the most important factor and is obviously infinitely variable between people and even within any one person from time to time, there are many other factors that control the frequency of sex. Availability of someone to have sex with is an obvious factor. Many — those in prison and some single, divorced, separated and widowed people (not to mention priests, nuns and monks who choose celibacy) — simply do not have a sex partner and may seek sexual release through masturbation. Tiredness is a common cause of — or excuse for — a poor sex drive. This comes about most commonly because of the pressures of work and of caring for young children. Illness (physical and mental), a fear of rejection, a poor view of oneself (because of being fat, for example), living with in-laws and scores of other reasons can all determine the amount of sex any one couple has.

Some couples are perfectly happy copulating once a month or less and others need to do so several times a day. Both frequencies are normal for them and, provided they are both happy, who is to say they should not be? Within the lives of any one couple the picture can change dramatically. A young couple, just married, may well have intercourse every day, or even several times a day. They then have a baby and may have intercourse a few times a month or less during the early years. In middle age their intercourse rates will possibly rise again as the woman becomes keener and in old age they may have more sex than they did as youngsters in their twenties and thirties.

The concepts of ‘highly sexed’ and ‘undersexed’ are harmful and silly. There is an infinite variation in people’s drives for intercourse and these change. A man’s ‘needs’ for copulation seem to be linked only to one measurable thing in his past: his masturbation rate during adolescence. Similarly the terms ‘frigid’ or ‘nymphomaniac’ are redundant. These are words used by men to describe women who have a lesser or greater sex drive than they (the men) think they should. A ‘frigid’ woman in the arms of one man can become a ‘nymphomaniac’ with another. Having said this it can be very frustrating and can create serious physical and emotional tensions in an individual or a couple who are used to a certain frequency of sex if for some external reason their intercourse rate falls, especially suddenly. Often it is the imbalance between the drives and needs of one partner and those of his or her spouse that causes problems, but even when this appears to be a real problem the underlying trouble usually lies elsewhere. Most loving, friendly couples, even if they have very different needs for intercourse, cope perfectly well and develop a pattern of mutual masturbation or find other methods of sexual release that are satisfying to them both. Even in less ‘ideal’ marriages women may agree to sex more often than they say they would really like, to please their husbands.

Which partner controls the copulation rate within any one couple is difficult to prove. Women are classically thought to do so because they can say ‘no’ at any time and men are popularly supposed to be forever keen to get at their wives. Clinical experience shows that this is far too simple and rarely true. Many women never refuse their husbands sex and research has shown that many wives are unhappy because their husbands do not want to have sex nearly often enough.

It has long been suggested that sex is ‘good’ for you. It can enhance the sense of well-being of most people but some seem perfectly all right without it. Some tentative medical evidence is beginning to accumulate that suggests that people with a good sex life tend to live longer. Also, there is strong evidence that women who have a satisfactory sex life are less prone to heart attacks.

Certainly sex makes most people feel ‘good’ as opposed to ‘bad’ but even this (because of long-held cultural views that intercourse and masturbation weaken a man) raises problems. Of course, certain types of intercourse (such as extra-marital sex) can make people tense and guilty. Many men quite consciously, if unwillingly, abstain from intercourse before activities such as important business meetings or sporting events as a result of these fears. Some men, fearing that sex will weaken them so much that they will be unable to function in the world, often abstain from intercourse or masturbation so as to have ‘enough energy’ to put into their careers and other activities. There is no evidence that sex in itself is weakening or damaging, although guilt after masturbation can make men feel off-colour.

Couples copulate for many different reasons. Sometimes it is purely to release sexual tension, on other occasions to show their love and affection, on others deliberately to try to conceive, on others to punish the partner in some way, and on others to reward. Sex can even be used as a weapon in a bad marriage.

In summary, copulation is a highly complex business. The act itself is simple — nearly anyone can do it – but the reasons people do it and the implications for the couple are not so simple. Whether, when, how and why a couple copulate depends on their upbringing, their needs, their drives, their partner’s needs and drives, external factors, the behaviour of their friends and acquaintances, and many other things.

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